You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
You Might Also Like
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
I have never related to anyone more.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be