You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.