You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.