You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took