“You drive, I’m tired.”
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show