“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
You Might Also Like
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
But wait…
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.