Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.