Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

I’d rather go liquor treating.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.