You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
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You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.