[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
i wish i could marry a nap
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments