@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic

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@TheBoydP

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

@lakeanagirl

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

@Ygrene

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@AksharPathak

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

@LostInMyWorld97

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

@uheartIessbitch

just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston

@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”