How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”