A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
You Might Also Like
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
dutch so unserious
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?