You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.