@KylePlantEmoji

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

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@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@12ozCourage

The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.

@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

@garrettbarry70

Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

@KurtBusiek

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.