You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

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Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right


Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date


What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.


The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.


At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.


Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.


I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.