You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Happy birthday to all the women
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!