Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!