My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
You Might Also Like
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”