you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
You Might Also Like
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Xylophonist Shredding It
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.