you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Guy who likes music
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
going to bed
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”