you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?