You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
You Might Also Like
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me too door. Me too.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.