You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
The game has officially changed 😎
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
A completely valid reaction tbh
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Always the vampires
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.