Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Breaking news:

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?