You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
i wish we could shoplift online
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
omg leave her alone
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
