You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Breaking news:
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago