You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
