You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
I’m the neighbor
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Breaking news:
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?