You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.