Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.