Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

wtf is an acronym

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I don’t get marriage

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.