Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Proofread twice, hang posters once

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

True