You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
What fresh Hell is this?!?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Lmao
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.