You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
You Might Also Like
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME