You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
How all things should be taught/explained.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons