You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
hi why am I like this
