You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Did I do this right
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.