You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Blew out my flip flop…
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon