@FancyNancyAnn

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

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@hipstermermaid

“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.

@UrbanDouchebag

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

@WarningPuzzle

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

@DeanOkay

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

@AbleLikes

Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@MooseAllain

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.