You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

You Might Also Like


“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.


Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.


*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer


I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.


Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.


Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.


You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.


There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.