“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.
Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.
Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.