You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Haha good job!!
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.