Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture: