You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet