Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.