Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

😎 🍻

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”