You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
😅🤣😂
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece