Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

Happy Febuary everyone!

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”