You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
You Might Also Like
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I put the I in Insufferable.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’