You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
You Might Also Like
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that