Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign