You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
You Might Also Like
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
This January has 47 Mondays
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!