Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck