You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
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Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.