You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced