You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
that’s really how it is
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?