Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.