You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
get you a girl who
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.