You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER