You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
plant them where lol
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them