Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.