Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”