You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
bro what is going on at twitter
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly