Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.