You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.