Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day