You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.


me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”


My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.


No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.


I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?


Okay, I only had one beer Officer.


[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*



My measurements?
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.


I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.