@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

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@FeverFlave

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

@FredTaming

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@OstracizedOstri

*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”

@BradBroaddus

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

@TheCatWhisprer

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

@Chicken_Hawk38

I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?

No??

Okay, I only had one beer Officer.

@Jamberee13

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

@MomofTeen

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.