You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
sweet dreams💖
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.