You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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Rare photo of two submarines racing
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder