You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
getting seasonal up in here
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
happy friday
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar