You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Science is fun!
#nottrue
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.