You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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zone out
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing