Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

😩😩😩

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

All is fair in drunk and war.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.